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{May 2006, written in jest … mostly}

Everyone brandishes the words “empire” and “imperialism” when referring to the Unites States of America these days, attempting to vilify our involvement in global affairs. Even so-called educated people with degrees in things like political philosophy casually misuse the terms.

But I wish it were true. I’m not saying that instead of liberating oppressive regimes and then handing power back to the people we should annex them and keep them under our thumbs.

I’ve got something better. We have no interest in taking over other people’s countries for expansion of our own government (excepting the promotion of our TYPE of government under the theory that democracies are peaceful). But we should offer statehood to other countries.

You heard me right. At one time, the Roman Empire had kingdoms lined up to join, and not out of fear of conquest, but for quality of life. And we are in the same position to offer by far the best quality of life of our time in history — all grass-is-greener illusions aside, of course.

We have no qualms about extending citizenship to people of all cultures, religions, and ethnicities — why not extend the Pax Americana to more peoples as a whole?

Yes, the political climate is such that our own people would cry “Imperialism” as an insult instead of a blessing. And few in the global playground would want the king of the hill to grow a few inches taller. But I think the world would be surprised to find how many countries would rather give up partial sovereignty for strength, protection, and prosperity.

Maybe they would rather argue about cell phone plans than food supply disruption. Maybe they would rather worry about health insurance costs than pandemics and lack of drinkable water. Maybe the occasional outcry of police brutality would replace unheard appeals to the UN to stop localized genocide.

Maybe they want to hate us (like so many of us already do) and be able to vote about it, or run for office themselves. Maybe they want to be able to call their (our) president a stupid Nazi on a weblog without disappearing in the middle of the night, or burn their (our) flag without being shot.

Maybe they want the choice of living with or without the indulgences of luxury instead of being forced to go without. Maybe that would go a long way to ease the subconscious jealousy that the third world feels toward us. They want to blame us any way they can — in what we have done, and what we haven’t, often in the same breath. But if we ask them if they want to join the party, I am not convinced the tune will stay the same about America.

Well, there you have it — my pie-in-the-sky solution to much of the worlds problems. Betsy Ross, better get your sewing kit ready.

Let’s make some offers …


First, we group or state-ify our existing territories …

Puerto Rico (about freakin’ time they started paying taxes)
Virgin Isles
Pacific Isles (Guam, Midway, etc.)

Then reach out to the obvious …

New Brunswick
Nova Scotia
Edward Island

… etc.

Then you know how much they love us … (two or more states mean Japan would have twice the Senators, only fitting for so many people)


Let’ not forget …


And if they were in the mood …


Maybe even …

South Korea

… along with potentially the entire Russian Federation

Of course, it would no longer be the “United States of America”, but “The United States of the World”, sort of like the EU, only with a lot less rivalry.